A Poem Inspired by Elder Uchdorf's Talk

Bright New Daffodils
(to my sons)

The day I first held you in my arms
I first knew the love of Christ-
Surging through me with such power
Its intensity was stunning, rife.
For you I’d suffer any pain,
Give all I have, once and again,
Even my own life.

But epiphanous changes, like spring daffodils,
Wilt in the heat of life’s busyness-
The sun shone down filled every crack
And I ran fast, at a dizzying spell
Of laundry piles, children’s wishes,
Phone calls, meetings, dirty dishes,
And I wilted well.

Until one day an honored guest
Came to visit without warning.
He walked amid my tidy rooms
Then asked, “Where do your children play?
Surprised, I paused and looked around
At all I’d done, but sadly found
My children far away.

My anger grew at his sorrowing face.
“It’s not fair.” I cried. “It takes all
To keep them happy, washed and fed.
Here I give, and you condemn?”
His whisper stilled my frantic heart.
“Dear Mother, you’ve done well your part.
Now, go and play with them.”

I dropped my dust bin where I stood
And ran out to the garden’s edge
My young son laughed and took my hand,
“Mother, see what’s down the hill?”
Through fern and moss we walked at last
To find, hidden from the sun’s cruel blast,
A patch of bright new daffodils.

Something to Blog About

Okay, so it's been a long time since I've come and blogged. Great things have happened. I went to the LDStorymakers Conference and learned so much, I got a new calling, and I started an exciting project with a circle of brilliantly talented people that is going to be so fun it should be illegal. BUT something happened yesterday I couldn't NOT write about- my husband spoke in Sacrament Meeting on Mother's Day.

Now if you don't know Greg, I'd say the best way to describe him is stoic. He's an engineer who believes in showing emotion through actions rather than words. It makes him a great husband- hardworking, dependable, kind- but it also means he rarely gives anything resembling a compliment. He just doesn't see the need. Some may say I have enough romanticism and enthusiasm for both of us but sometimes I get wistful that he'll come up with something that sings to me, that appeals to the poet in me and then I think- get realistic. Believe it or not, yesterday it happened.

At four a.m. on Sunday morning I rolled over and he was gone. When I got up at six, he was still at the table writing away. It surprised me because I thought his talk was done. We had a wonderful Mother's Day breakfast made by the children and Greg left early to pick up a man he met at a lawnmower shop that he had invited to church. So the time for his talk comes and he begins with the history of Mother's Day which was interesting and then tells the story of "Elder Croft," an early missionary who was saved from the mob by his mother's letter. Okay, so then came the awesome part.

He began by saying to the YM that when he was their age, he used to dream about his future wife. He dreamed that she would be blonde, beautiful and athletic. When he was on his mission, he even bought a t-shirt for this future dreamgirl. It was XXsmall. But that isn't close to what he got.(Well, at this point I'm blushing because I'm XXlarge and I'm thinking there is no way he can recover.)

Then he looked at me and said,

"Some of you may not know my wife. She is the type of woman that would love to shop at Nordstroms and Neiman Marcus, but has spent her life at Wal-Mart and the Thrift Store so that our children would have what they needed and we could stay in budget."

"She is the kind of woman who would love to go to the finest restaurants and follow it up with attending the Opera or a Broadway Musical, but instead makes due with an Angry Whopper and watching her children's school performances."

"She is the kind of woman who loves to write novels, short stories and plays. She likes to read the classics and advanced literature, but she spends much of her time proofreading my emails from work and helping our children with research papers and science projects."

"She loves to read the scriptures and could hold her own in any intellectual religious debate, but instead explains the basic of the gospel to our children around the dinner table and in FHE."

He ended with how grateful he was for the mother of his children and how every husband and child should honor the sacrifices their mothers make every day.

Wow, and I didn't even think he noticed. They say the best compliments are honest and specific. I'd say he nailed it. Wow.

Who Will Be My Mother

Wow. I 've got to say that I LOVE Sister Beck! If you haven't seen her talk from the General RS Broadcast go do it with a box of kleenex (unless you're Sonja- she never cries.)

She spoke of many things but the one that got me was when her parents were called on a mission. She was a young mother and it was before email. She asked, "Who will be my mother?" And her mother answered, "The Relief Society."

As I was retelling the story to my husband, he said, "That's a crock." (He said that because I've had some hurtful experiences in RS years ago.) But I shook my head and had to disagree. Although there may be some individuals who don't get it, the concept of Relief Society is that we are bound together by a force greater than our own personal preferences like motherhood. We serve with an eye of what is best for our fellow sisters, not simply what they would want or is popular like motherhood. We love each other unconditionally and continue to reach out even when pushed away like motherhood.

I'm still getting used to my new ward. I know like 10% of the sisters in R.S. What's funny is I know most of the YW leadership and the Primary. But that just means I've got my work cut out for me. I'm determined to do better and really be a part of their lives.

Now that my mother is no longer on this side of the veil (I'm still too young to be an orphan), perhaps this has more meaning. Or perhaps I just finally understand it more.

Parenting A Testimony: Eight Stages of Spiritual Growth

I was asked to speak in Stake Conference about "Building Faith in our Homes." I was worried that after the Worldwide Leadership Training on "Building a Righteous Posterity" and all of the Conference talks on the home that as soon as I stood up I would be met with rolled eyes, yawns and folded arms- I mean there are only so many times you can be told the same thing, right? But then this thought came to mind. I think it was inspired and wanted to share it. Sorry it is so long:


As I was reviewing Sister Lant and Elder Ballard's talks, an idea hit me that I hadn't thought about in twenty years. In college I remembered my professor teaching us about Erik Erikson. He was an early psychologist who studied Sigmund Freud and noticed a flaw in his theories. Freud based his hypotheses on people that were emotionally damaged. Erikson figured that the best way to be able to understand healthy human development was to study healthy people so he left the laboratory and went home to study his wife and own children. Then he researched other cultures and came up with eight stages of emotional development, which have become an accepted standard.


These eight stages map the healthy emotional and social progression of life. Each stage builds on the next and as people progress through each stage they become more emotionally stable. If they seriously lack a step, a person may become fixated at that level, unable to progress to the next. These stages include:

Trust vs. Mistrust- An infant is totally reliant on his parents and soon learns that they will fill his needs and love him unconditionally. For children not given this center, they will struggle with every area of further development until they have it basic need.

Autonomy vs. Shame- A toddler begins to experience freedom from his parents as he begins to crawl, then walk. He also learns to eat independently and be potty training. When a child has difficulty with these skills, they can feel shame and back away rather than progress.

Initiative vs. Guilt- After a child learns to walk, he then starts to run, skip, jump and even dance. Confident children will take those basic skills and make them their own, enjoying their experimentation and progression.

Productivity vs. Inferiority- As a child enters school, they begin to learn about the world around them. They start to discover science, grammar and higher math concepts which expand their horizons. They either become more involved with the world or pull back into a feeling of inferiority.

Individuality vs. Role Confusion- With their expanding understanding of the world, a child will then look into themselves and ask "Who Am I?" They begin to plan for their future and map goals rather than simply relying on peer pressure. This usually happens in their late teens.

Intimacy vs. Isolation- If a person understands who they are, they will have the character necessary to build lasting committed relationships. This may be one of the causes for the high divorce rate we see around us, that many individuals do not have the social and emotional strength to create an intimate relationship.

Generativity vs. Stagnation- The next step is to start "giving back". The concept of "what is in it for me" becomes less important and our thoughts focus on assisting those around us and giving to the next generation.

Integrity vs. Despair- Finally, a person looks at his life and feels that he may not have everything but he has the best things. Feeling satisfaction and joy in a life well lived is a virtue that needs to be developed just as the other stages must be worked on.


Those are the stages of emotional growth. But what really hit me as I thought about it was how well those stages apply to spiritual growth as well. As parents it is our responsibility to “train up our children in the way they must go.” (Prov 22:6) We are also told that if we fail in certain duties, “the sin will be upon the heads of the parents.” (D&C 68:25) Of course even the best parents have children who may choose not to progress (look at Father Abraham, Lehi and our Heavenly Father) but by looking at their spiritual growth in stages it may help us as parents to understand more clearly how we can help our children in creating their personal relationship with Christ. For that is our goal.

When Alma the Younger talked to his son Corianton who left his mission to follow a prostitute, he did not lecture him about chastity. Corianton’s struggle was with theology (Alma 39 and 40.) Alma understood the root of his son’s issues were much deeper than his actual behavior. By increasing our understanding of spiritual progression, we may be able to see what our children are truly lacking and need help with.

Using Erikson’s stages and terminology, these would be equivalent stages of Spiritual Growth:

Trust in God vs. Mistrust- Just as the first stage of emotional development is that feeling unconditional love, the same is true of our spiritual lives. Although we tell our children of their loving Father in Heaven, the first step for them is when they feel it themselves. It may be when they are singing “I Am a Child of God” in Primary or “I Feel My Savior’s Love.” One of my children said the first time they really knew Heavenly Father was there was when he bore his testimony for the first time. He said he could feel Heavenly Father smiling at him.
I think it isn’t only important for a child to have those first experiences but to be reminded of them. When Oliver Cowdery was asking for a greater witness of Joseph Smith, his reply was:
“Verily, verily, I say unto you, if you desire a further witness, cast your mind upon the night that you cried unto me in your heart, that you might aknow concerning the truth of these things.
Did I not speak apeace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater bwitness can you have than from God?” (D&C 6:22)

As parents we can ask our children about their first experience where they have felt that Heavenly Father was really there. I was surprised. For my one daughter, it was at her baptism. She just felt really happy. Another son remembered in kindergarten that he forgot his book and was going to get in trouble, he prayed and the teacher never asked if he had it. He was sure it was Heavenly Father who helped him. By helping our children “cast their minds” upon their first spiritual experience and others, it will help them remember how much their Savior loves them.

Autonomy vs. Shame- The next emotional stage is physically learning how to become an independent person. This step in our spiritual life is learning to how to physically become a saint. This is, in essence, the letter of the law, the things we learn in Primary and include:
· attending church meetings,
· paying tithing,
· participating in scouts, young women’s, achievement days,
· praying before meals,
· praying before going to bed,
· family scripture reading,
· and family home evening.

Now just as children from the most emotionally stable homes may have problems with learning to walk or may lisp into their school year but are still able to progress normally through the other stages. It is important to realize that we may not be perfect in every area but our children do need to have most of these basics down. I have seen so many new converts that feel their Savior’s love, they have felt that first spark of the Spirit, but never learn this second step. They have a hard time coming to church consistently, don’t continue to pray and read their scriptures and soon the spark dies away.

On the other hand, when going to church or doing FHE is forced, it can soon become a negative event. When I was a young mother, I had a friend who swore that she could potty train any child by the time they were 12 months all from the advice of a book. She gave me the book and I went to work on 14 month old Marcus. After many tears from both of us, I threw the book away. Marcus on the other hand began hiding the potty chair. I would find it under his bed or in a closet. For him it had become associated with bad memories and it took him much longer to master that skill than it probably otherwise would have. Don’t let church become your child’s potty chair. We need to encourage them to participate but make it a positive experience, filled with praise, so they can make it to the next step.

Initiative vs. Guilt- How many members of the church struggle with guilt issues? If a congregation was asked to raise their hands in response to this question, I’m sure a majority would admit it is an issue for them. Guilt’s only purpose is to encourage us to repent. Paul explained this to the Corinthians when he said,
“Now I rejoice, not that ye were made sorry, but that ye sorrowed to repentance: for ye were made asorry after a godly manner, that ye might receive damage by us in nothing.
For agodly bsorrow worketh crepentance to dsalvation not to be repented of: but the esorrow of the world worketh death.” (2 Corinthians 7: 9, 10)

It is interesting that according to Erikson the opposite of guilt is initiative. It is when you begin to make the gospel your own- when you start looking for your own answers, when you listen to a lesson and suddenly realize what an awesome idea that was and go home and study it some more, when you begin to look forward to going to scouts, or activity days or even enrichment.
We can encourage this in our children by asking them about their lessons and discussing them at home, by having them plan the family home evening lesson on whatever they want, and by sharing our own insights and spiritual experiences. In our home we often go around the table on Sunday and talk about our lessons. Rarely do we make it all the way around before we are discussing some interesting tangent about the gospel. Some of my best memories revolve around those sometimes heated conversations.

In our ward we are blessed with incredible Achievement Day Leaders. They are always doing something fun and my daughter is having such a great time she decided to invite her friend. The two of them have done so many wonderful things that they brought another friend last Sunday to church. Sarah is ten but she is now exploring this stage of enjoying the gospel and making it her own.

Industry vs. Inferiority- In Erikson’s emotional stages this is where the child learns grammar, history, science and higher math. He believed that without an education our ability to progress was hampered. The same is true for our spiritual life. We can only progress so far on “borrowed light.” Thank goodness for early morning seminary!!!! Inspired prophets of this dispensation have given our children a gift to learn all the scriptures and church history at an intense level and have made it available to every member.

But unlike the parent who is afraid to help their child with algebra because they have no idea what a variable is, we, as parents, cannot be clueless about the scriptures. There comes a time where we need to learn and understand the scriptures. They are a lifelong study. Elder Maxwell said that “God is a God of Economy” he will not send a tornado if a gentle breeze will do. I believe if he has already given us an answer in the scriptures that he will often try to guide us there but if we never open them, the answer waits, unread. We need to become fluent in the scriptures through constant personal study. That is part of righteous parenthood.

This higher study is a difficult stage to encourage. One summer years ago my husband Greg taped a one hundred dollar bill to the wall and told my children that the first one to finish the Book of Mormon could have it. By the end of the summer the money was still there. But if we keep gently encouraging and strengthening the stages before it, that day may come. Lately, it has been wonderful to watch my son Marcus start to read Jesus the Christ and the Book of Mormon at a deeper level in preparation for his mission.

Identity vs. Role Confusion- As children begin to truly grasp the big picture of what the gospel means, they suddenly will sit back and wonder what part they will play in it. They will ask themselves “Who am I?” and realize that they get to choose the answer for themselves. With that understanding, they will set goals for their future. They will want to be an eagle scout or get their young woman’s medallion. They will want to go on a mission, and to be married in the temple. When I taught seminary there was a boy who sat at the back of the room, hating every minute of it. One day I was driving him home and I asked what I could do to make his mornings more enjoyable. He told me there was nothing I could do because it “just wasn’t him.” I asked him “so who are you?” He shrugged and said “he was the stuff he liked” and I shook my head. If children never realize that they are what they choose, then they are trapped by their natures and appetites and will never be more. It is the sad state of the natural man.

I love that it is right at this time of choosing that children are given their patriarchal blessings to lift them and give them a vision of who they can become. The gospel is awesome and I know this may sound silly but do you ever shake your head and smile, realizing how smart Heavenly Father really is? One of the greatest gifts of my life has been sitting in the room during my children’s patriarchal blessings. When our children finally choose who they are and truly commit to being part of God’s Kingdom on the earth, it changes them. I believe that is what is meant by “being born again” (John 3:5; Alma 7:14) or “becoming a son or daughter of Christ.” (Mosiah 5:7; Ether 3: 14)

Intimacy vs. Isolation- With this new found commitment they will have an “increased portion of the Spirit.” (See 2 Kings 2:9; Alma 17:9; and D&C 71:1) They will be able to have a relationship with the Lord that they have never had before because not only will they trust in God, but He will trust in them. It has always interested me that it wasn’t until the 84th section of the D&C that the Savior called the new saints “my friends” (D&C 84:63) and even then he only used that term for the twelve apostles. I know we can all have that gift but it is something we earn through worthiness, faith, love and commitment.

Generativity vs. Stagnation- This is the point where your children start to go to activities with the attitude of how can they make it better rather than if it isn’t fun they won’t go. They begin to understand that each church event is the way that God’s Kingdom is built on the earth and they want to be a part of it. They realize the gospel holds answers and they start to openly share those answers with the people around them. They look for the people who need love or help and reach out to them. And with each experience, you watch them learn and grow and progress. This is where service turns to charity.

It interesting that Erikson’s termed opposite to this progression is Stagnation. As a child, my brother and I used to like to run up the down escalator. If you ran normally, you stayed in the same place, but if you ran really, really hard, you could make it to the top. I remember when I was about ten that I suddenly realized that was what life was about. If I just stayed where I was and did nothing, I would lose opportunities and abilities. There is no standing still in this life- we are either going forward or backwards. Stagnation is such an incredible example of this. If water isn’t moving, it doesn’t just sit there pure and clear. It begins to grow algae, stink and poison instead of give life.

Intergrity vs. Despair- Finally, when our children have progressed through these stages, we need to encourage them to feel good about what they have done. They need to find joy in looking at their lives and realize that although they don’t have everything, they have the best things. It is also important that if a child or ourselves reach this stage and find themselves in despair that they use those negative feelings for “godly sorrow” and begin at the beginning to refresh your spiritual strength and fill in gaps.

I know my greatest privilege is being entrusted with raising these precious spirits of our Heaven Father and worry that many of us don’t really realize the importance of what we are doing. When my oldest sons started high school I joined a volunteer organization whose goal was to increase the safety and strength of our community by putting on events for teenagers so they wouldn’t drink or do drugs on the weekends. What I soon realized was that I didn’t really want my kids attending the parties after all. The adults planning these events were doing so with genuine concern and lofty ideals, but without a family context to set limits and increase respect, they were feeding the inappropriate behaviors they were trying to stop. They would have done more good if they had each invited a group of children to their own homes and let them have fun in the context of a strong family environment. I learned then that our homes have far more power to save society than any other institution. Perhaps that is another meaning of the scripture that the hearts of the children must turn to their fathers or the earth will be covered with a curse. (See Malachi 4:6; 3 Nephi 25:6 and D&C 110:15.)

We are seeing the curse of broken homes all around us but as we each strive to create homes of righteousness, as we build faith and testimony in our children, they will be able to do great things. Our children are truly a chosen generation who have been held in reserve for this time and are equal to the task. We as parents have also been given the necessary tools to be equal to the task and I pray that we live up to our privileges.

General Conference

Alright, I'll admit that although I was there in body for every session of conference, I struggled a little keeping my mind on topic. We watched at my sister-in-law's house with three dogs yapping, six children and the same number of adults all squished in a space a little more than 10x10 there was just too much to distract me.

The parts that did hit home were wonderful. I love Sister Tanner, the General YW Pres., and cried when she was released until they called Sister Dalton who is so incredible! I'm excited for the girls to get to know her better. I also really enjoyed the new Apostle, Elder Christofferson. I was most interested by his comments during the Press Conference when he was asked how he would respond to those people who felt the next apostle should be from a foreign country. He said something to the fact that the apostles job is not like the house of representatives, to present issues of the world to the prophet or to the Lord- he already knows your needs. Instead it is just the opposite, he is called as a special witness of Christ, to make known the will of God to his people. Wow, I never thought of it that way before. Cool!

I loved whoever said that there are many ways to be a mother but that the most important thing is that we love our children and teach them. I'm grateful for Sis. Beck reiterating the standard last conference and thought this talk was a nice balance to that. (I love Sis. Beck and missed her this time.)

Elder Scott talked about abuse and I enjoyed his sensitivity on the subject. Although I have not personally had this issue, I know many who struggle with it and my heart is drawn out to them. I was interested by a friend who felt such comfort from his words encouraging forgiveness. And then adding if you aren't ready to forgive, continue to heal and hope for that day to come.

Ok, I'll confess, I was reading a book and during the last session, I kept sneaking peeks but then I was pulled from its pages by the belly laughs around me and I looked up. It was Pres. Monson and he was being funny! I loved that he would be willing to "let his hair down" so to speak and share his heart with the saints. He has long been my husband's favorite apostle, and I'm grateful to get to know him better.

What a gift it is that we are able to hear the prophet's words even being so far away. As a child we lived in a suburb of NYC and only got one session on the radio. My parents would make us dress in our sunday clothes and listen- it was torture. Now we get to watch all the sessions and it is awesome. What a blessing to live in such a day.

Marcus is Going To Albania!

Marcus came home a semester early from BYUi so that he could earn money for his mission. We require our children to earn half their money because first, we believe if they earn it, they will most likely take more responsibility for it- and with five boys.. well.

It is hard for a young man who is chomping at the bit to have his own life to bend to 11 pm curfews, lights out by 9pm, and no Wii on school nights. But Saturday brought those days to a close. The big envelope arrived and the family gathered around to find out where their big brother would be for the next two years.

He ripped open the thick manilla paper and began to read slowly aloud when his ten year old sister Sarah looked over his shoulder and called out "Albania."

"Where is Albania? What language do they speak? Do we know anyone that has been there?" I drew a total blank about this country and ran to the internet. Putting it in a Google search, I pulled up the CIA factsheet. Marcus was still trying to read his acceptance letter, and I began throwing out facts for all to hear.

In 1992 Albania ended their communist rule (later than Russia?)... high unemployment, widespread corruption, organized crime networks and political opponents... dilapitated physical infrastructure... inter-ethnic tension. I scrolled down and found out it is beautiful, right by Greece and on the Adriatic sea but then I read about tsunami's and devastating earthquakes, deforestation and water pollution.

At this point I think all excitement had gone out the window. I should have stopped but I wanted to hear something Albanian so I did another search and found some Albanian movies so we could hear how the language sounds. The only problem is unemployment is such a huge issue that every site I looked at had a lot of "questionable solicitations around them." Apparantly that is another issue. Finally, his younger brother, Camron said, "Mom, the prophet probably saw that he was a 5' 7" 300 lb. football player and went, 'We need him in Albania!'"

It is actually a relatively new mission. How exciting to be able to share the gospel message with someone that has never heard anything about it. I'm sure it will be a wonderful time but as his mother, I can tell you, his faith will not be the only one increasing. With a lot of prayers and a little nail biting, I'm sure it will be wonderful, but do you think it is against mission rules to send a kevlar vest? What if it is black or dark blue?

Keeping my Playdough Clean

I don't buy playdough anymore. Not because it sticks to my carpets, which it does, and not because it dries into shriveled blobs when the lid isn't put back on. No, I don't buy it because we can never keep the colors clean. It starts out great and then one of my children decide to make a blue flower with a yellow center. Her project turns out beautifully but when she is done admiring her work, she squishes everything together and there is this yellow cancerous mass in your blue that you can never really get out. Each time we play it gets a little worse until finally every container is filled with an ugly swirly pinkish brown mess and the playdough is declared ruined.

School had such clean compartments like the playdough containers. Everything stays in its place. A bell rings and it's time to read, another bell and it is time to eat, and another bell and time to play. When I had my first baby, I planned on running my life like that, keeping all the playdough in clean little cannisters but by the time I had my third son in four years everything was smushed together. My days be a mixture of constant eating, bathing, playing, sleeping, reading and crying with no shape or form and with a croupy baby sometimes that continued late into the night. My life was just like that pinky brown swirly mess.

So when my youngest went to kindergarten I decided I was going to change. I was going to have clean lines and keep all my colors separate. My time was my own and I could control it, right? So I planned on spending an hour scripture reading and calendaring, then do housework until ten, when I would start writing until lunch. At which time I would put in my lean cuisine, and write until two when I would put away my computer and make an afterschool snack, happily greeting my children as they walked in the door. My life was going to be orderly, I would be thin and everything would be perfect. So how have I done?

Well, the first glitch was that my wonderful pre-missionary son comes home for lunch (say good bye to the lean cuisine), then my great husband works from home now and then, which is great but a constant interruption. Then my bishop decided I should be the YW president and I've got wonderfully talkative friends. There are always little needs that I can't seem to leave unfilled and then I got this contract on a book I'm writing with my sister and have been feverishly trying to get it done to meet our deadline, writing late into the night, or in the car during basketball practice. Ahhh. My life is still one swirly mess of pinkish brown goo.

Maybe it is practice for the eternities. Maybe life is supposed to be full of noise, fun, hope, work, mess, love and craziness- or maybe I need to plan better, live with a timer and force myself to keep my colors clean. I just bought some more lean cuisines- we'll see.

For You It's So Easy- NOT!

Last night I attended the Worldwide Leadership Training. I had heard it was on raising a righteous posterity and went prepared to feel guilty. Halfway through the event, I found myself crying not with guilt but with relief. I was agreeing with so much of what was said that I left feeling like it was doable and that I was actually on the right track.

Many of Sister Beck's comments were touching and I loved how Sister Tanner reminded everyone that the ideal is one thing but reality often looks very different. But the comment that won the day was when Sister Lant told us about how hard she had worked to get all her little children ready and to church on time. She would start Saturday afternoon and it was exhausting. One day after arriving at church with her brood, a sister walked up to her, put her hand on Sis. Lant's shoulder and said, "Oh, if my children were as good as yours, I'd have a big family too. For you it is so easy." Sister Lant admitted she cried during the entire meeting. It hurt!

Right after I had my first baby and started staying at home for the first time, my visiting teacher was the Stake President's wife. When she found out that I had decided to be a full-time mom, she looked at me and laughed, "Well, it is nice that you can do that, my brain is just too quick to handle being home all the time." I was young and swallowed it, feeling like an idiot and a failure for days.

Why do we do that? The truth is both sides behaved less than their best.

Often comments like those above are done in admiration or ignorance. Sometimes they are subconscious reflections of an individual's struggle with that principle and are said to alleviate personal guilt. In those cases I hope women realize the impact of their words and love and support these great mothers who sacrifice so much to raise a family because it is disgustingly hard. Other times they really are meant to hurt. So what if they are? As I look back on it, my biggest disappointment is in my own reaction.

Most of the world thinks I'm insane for having seven children. I remember walking into a grocery story with my first four children all under the age of six and having a woman sneer at my posse and say, "Don't you know what causes that?" I smiled back and said, "Of course I do, isn't it great!"

When I had my fourth child, a little indian woman who believed the world was already over populated delivered my beautiful first daughter. While I was on the delivery table she asked me if I was ready for a tubal, since I was already numb. I looked at her in shock and told her absolutely not. She shook her head and commented, "Then you'll be here next year in the same position." I smiled at my perfect new baby and replied, "I certainly hope so."

When people in the world make such comments, I am delighted because it allows me to express truth. I believe that if they bring it up, the topic is free game and I can openly express my side of the issue, which I do- in detail. But when women in the church do the same thing, especially someone I admire, it hurts- but it shouldn't. If I really remembered what I knew to be true, I would be sad for them, that they didn't have the vantage point that I do.

At my father's funeral my entire family came to mourn his early passing. I have eleven brothers and sisters with large families. We have never lived very close to my family but that day all the brothers, sisters, spouses, cousins, grandchildren, great-grandchildren sat side by side in the chapel. We filled the entire center section. In the middle of the funeral we stood up and sang our family song, "What does it mean to be an Edwards!" In the very heart of our grief I knew and my children knew the joy of being couched in a loving family. They knew that no matter what there were hundreds of people that were bound to them eternally and would do anything to help make their life better. They felt the joy of the most essential part of our Heavenly Father's plan.

That's why I had every one of my beautiful babies and changed thousands of diapers and spent day after day being more like a chair than a human being as my clingy, croupy third baby was never happy unless he was in my lap and I wasn't doing anything else but rocking him. That's why I get up way too early every morning to drive my teenagers to seminary in my pajamas and stay up way too late helping them with homework at night. That's why I drown in laundry on a regular basisand spend half my life either doing dirty dishes or nagging my children to do them. That's why my thyroid blew out with hormonal shifts during pregnancy, my knees where pulled out of alignment from widened hips and I lost my waist entirely. But the price is worth it, so worth it.

Tonight we all gathered together and watched a stupid movie with arms and legs hanging over each other in comfortable, connecting peace. Earlier today my thirteen year old spoke in church with confidence, expressing his pure testimony and I beamed. And two days ago my second son came home doing a victory dance because his missionary papers are finally in. The price is huge. It is yucky, hard, routine work to raise a big family but it is also fun, glorious, intellectually and physically satisfying, and the most incredible blessing of my life.

So the next time someone says something about how easy it is for me, I'm going to smile confidently and say, "I wish! But the work is worth it because look what I have to show for it."

A New Year's Curse

I have a friend from Chile who has spent the last week feverishly cleaning her house. In her country there is a tradition that however your house looks on New Year's Day is the way it will look like most of that coming year. Well, we had a wild day yesterday. My husband was working and I was trying to update my website but it wasn't going well. Meanwhile, the kids were running to the park, playing with friends and watching TV. I totally lost track of the time and when my husband walked in the door, I suddenly looked up and realized we were already late for a party. We got the kids cleaned up and ran out the door, leaving a tornado behind us. So I guess I'm cursed to spend the next year up to my armpits in piles of old school papers, dirty socks and sneakers, and cast off jackets and scarves.

Luckily, I don't believe in curses. I'm actually looking forward to wonderful things happening in the next year. My second son who will be leaving on a mission (the first is still out.) Another son will hopefully finish his Eagle and go off to college. The other kids are doing well in school. I'm going to have my first book published and my second book has already been accepted (if I ever get the rough draft done.) Lastly, I am surrounded by wonderful people in a new area of the country and hope to continue to meet new people both professionally and socially.

It looks to be a great year. Now if I can just get a a corner of my desk cleared off... oh, well. Maybe I do believe in curses.

I Want it All

As a teenager I went to a Broadway play with my mother called, "Oh, Baby!" It was about three different women who each found out they were going to have a baby. The big finale went "I want it all" drumming home the idea that having a family shouldn't stand in the way of a woman's personal ambitions.

When I had my first child, although I adored my sweet baby, I struggled with feeling lonely and intellectually underwhelmed. I thought that I'd stay home full-time for those first years but looked forward to starting a career when they started school. I even worked on a number of part-time venues but inevitably found myself pulled back home because of the needs of my children. Writing is no different. Even now I struggle with walking away from the computer when they come home after school. It is confining, even frustrating, but essential.

The other day my sister emailed with these same feelings but said she had found great comfort in the last verse of "Sweet is the Work" which goes, "Then shall I see and hear and know all I desired and wished below, and every pow'r find sweet employ in that eternal world of joy." There is no earthly way to have it all, in order to be the sort of mother, wife, writer, professional, citizen or individual we want to be- there will be things we need to sacrifice. But what comfort and joy we can have in knowing that in Christ comes "every good thing!" All our righteous ambitions will eventually be fulfilled if we hold fast and endure.

Puzzles are like Life

Every Christmas we have a tradition to work on a jigsaw puzzle as a family. It is a good tradition, not because it is that much fun or really promotes family togetherness but because it clarifies the reality of our family dynamic with such accuracy that the slightest traces of denial are completely obliterated.

When the puzzle arrives on Christmas morning under the tree the whole family feigns delight. My husband, Greg, smiles as long as there are no unicorns or flowers. The boys look at it and nod even though we all know full well they will last maybe two or three minutes. Anna and Sarah say very little because they know they are the ones who will actually do the most of it and I sit back and watch their reactions, wondering why we do this to ourselves every year.

By early afternoon when the presents are opened and the entire house is strewn with torn bits of wrapping paper, instruction manuals that will inevitably be lost and little pieces of Polly Pockets and Bionicles that will end up causing great pain when they are stepped on, one of the boys opens the puzzle box and dumps the thousand pieces in the middle of the kitchen table, ending any hope of a family dinner for the next two days.

The whole family gets in on sorting through the pile, looking for end pieces and shouting with success at their discovery. This is the fun part. Then they divide those into similar colors and in no time the frame takes shape. At this point, they all feel smart and happy but it won't last.

Next, each family member chooses their item. It could be a building or an animal or the sky. The puzzle was chosen specifically with this in mind. We don't do single color puzzles or huge jars of candy canes, there has to be a variety of colors and large, chunky items so we can each take a separate part. But once the going gets tough, the tough get going- literally. One by one the boys begin to disappear and by dinner the girls and I are working diligently on their corners or finishing their brother's ones and we end up just grabbing sandwiches and eating wherever because the table is off limits.

Then once the big parts are assembled and put in place, the background, which usually makes up half of the pieces, looms in the distance. Here is when the girls wave good-bye and I have a decision to make. If I put it away unfinished then we end Christmas with a failure or I can do it myself. So I start the long boring process of trying to fit pieces that look identical into slots that are infinitesimally different. By the time I head to bed it is in the wee hours of the morning and I plop next to my sleeping husband wondering why I ever thought this was a good thing to do. The next morning I wander downstairs far later than I should and find the boys and girls happily gathered around the kitchen table, slurping cereal and fitting in a new piece here and there. I join them and as soon as I do, they lose interest again. The morning dishes stay undone while I labor away with up to five minutes between finding a new connection. Then some magic radar buzzes through the house when there are only about twenty pieces left. Suddenly from everywhere the little red hen is surrounded by the pig and the dog and the cat but instead of asking whether they can enjoy the fruits of my labor, they begin stuffing in pieces as fast as they can and the winner who puts in the last piece throws his hands in the air screaming, "I did it!"

I sit back and smile grateful I'll have my kitchen table back and that it will be a whole year before I have to face this again.

But that isn't really so. Whether its cleaning the kitchen after a big meal, doing a school project or getting a son through his Eagle Scout project, mothers often work alone late into the night to bring success to their family. Yup, we'll do it again next year- that's our job.

Sister Beck's Talk and the dog going pee

Last night I had to get up and let the dog out. She is sixteen years old and when she starts to whine, I will wake up from the soundest sleep in order to avoid cleaning up a mess in the morning. The problem is if you leave her outside, she'll scratch at the back door all night. While I was waiting for her to do her business out in the cold, I sat up to the computer and did a search on something I had heard about but never looked into. My sister lives in Alpine and knows Sister Beck. She told me that it has been a great sorrow to her to see the negative reaction of some sisters to her talk. I'm like "what negative reaction?"

At this point I know you are rolling your eyes because I live in a complete bubble, but it is a great bubble to live in, trust me. Anyway, I first pulled up a BYU bulletin board and my mouth hit the ground. Then I went to a reponse to a Exponent II article and was equally shocked. I heard about the petition but I had read enough. I know I hate child abuse so I do not need to read the details of evil acts to know I hate it worse. I stand for the safety of children and move on.

I felt the same way about every negative word and just had a few points to make.

1. "Women who know believe in having children" & "being a Mother is the most important thing a women can do."
This was the first area of contention among the sisters that were grumping out and I suppose I should just roll my eyes and pray they grow up. Do they realize how few stable families welcome new little angels into their homes, even within the church? When I lived in Minnesota my children were the only ones on the whole street. But if I went down to the projects, there were many single mothers with large families and mobs of children. Even if you don't believe families are forever, the most powerful thing you can do to save our culture, to encourage education and improve our society is to have a righteous family of well-trained leaders.
I can just imagine the little spirits waiting to come to earth, watching us and being told that they don't get to come to a righteous family because your mother wanted to have time to herself, didn't want to budget or live in a house that wasn't 'normal', which excuse are you going to tell the baby you didn't have?
In my ward I have three heros. Tammy just had her ninth baby. She is gorgeous, vibrant, talented and smart. Her husband supports her and she throws incredible parties for the children, puts on the best Primary activities days and laughs easily. Wow! There is Jenni who struggles physically with childbirth and has dealt with grief, but after feeling impressed, decided to have a third child. It will probably be her last, but the joy that this decision has brought her glows from her face as does the Spirit in appreciation of her sacrifice. Then there is Ashley who had cancer as a child and can't have children of her own. She is currently a lawyer and is doing very well for herself. On listening to Sis. Becks talk she knew that she was not actively mothering right now but used it as a pattern for her attitudes and filed it away for future reference. In her heart she said, I would if I could and she was blessed for it.

2. "Nurturing means dishes and laundry"
No one on the planet hates doing housework more than I do and unfortunately too often I don't do it. My kitchen sink is rarely empty, if ever. When she said these words it stung and rightfully so, but her point was that nurturing is doing the mundane. I am so tired of women who think it is demeaning to clean house, that their time is worth more. In doing daily tasks we are serving those we love and we are taught humility, which seems to be in short supply these days. She did not say these activities define us but they are important and should be a goal. You never see the temple messy. Our homes should have the same spirit but noisier- much noisier.

3. General Bad-mouthing of People you Sustained-
The terrifying thing for me is to look in the scriptures at the reaction of the people to a prophet. When they refuted their words, they were ripe for destruction. Now, I'm not talking about making fun of a hair-do (I'm not saying whose) or a type of phraseology, but when we refute their message after sustaining them, that is serious stuff. Besides Sister Beck never said that every women had to believe the things she said, only "women who know"- women who get it.

Lastly, I have to end by saying that when Sister Beck was in the YW I thought how unfair it was that they got her because she was so doctrinally meaty and clear. She doesn't sugar-coat messages so that everyone nods their heads softly and then forgets what she said the next day. When we got her as the new General Relief Society President, I didn't just lift my hand I waved it enthusiastically. We are so abundantly blessed to have a woman who stands up and in strong, well-crafted words clarifies truths that have been held too silent, but have never changed. I adore her for that. I consider her brave, intellegent and hope that she knows that the greatest gift she gave to the women who listened to her message, even those who didn't agree, was a chance to revisit their views about motherhood and (herein lies the rub) see if they are in accordance with gospel principles or not.

2. "